http://media-cache-lt0.pinterest.com/upload/170010954652726199_K210QRJY.jpg
http://pinterest.com/pin/183240278560408962/
http://pinterest.com/pin/117867715217168269/
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
More Pinterest Fun!
http://media-cache-lt0.pinterest.com/upload/170010954652726199_K210QRJY.jpg
http://pinterest.com/pin/183240278560408962/
http://pinterest.com/pin/117867715217168269/
AWESOME APRIL FOOL IDEAS!
Got any other ideas?? Send me some!
It's not April Fools day yet, but I still do these.
If you haven't figured out yet:
-the worm is a gummy worm
-the french fries are bread
-the milk is a paper sheet
-the ice cream is mash potatoes and gravy.
-the "donut seeds" are cheerios
-and the cheese is icing
:)
Comes from:
http://blog.thecelebrationshoppe.com/2012/03/26/april-fools-fun/
Monday, December 24, 2012
Funniest jokes of 2012
Funniest jokes of 2012
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.” “A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?” “Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.“ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.” “See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”
I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?" "What letters?" I answered slyly. "Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
From:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/15-top-jokes-of-2011/#slideshow=slide14
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.” “A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?” “Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.“ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.” “See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”
I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?" "What letters?" I answered slyly. "Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
From:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/15-top-jokes-of-2011/#slideshow=slide14
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Zen Sarcasm?
Saw this somewhere..........thought it was funny.
. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
From:
http://laughtodeath.com/
. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
From:
http://laughtodeath.com/
Friday, December 14, 2012
ONE LINER JOKES PT 3!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
One liner Jokes! Must See!
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
CHRISTMAS PICS!
Christmas is just around the corner, so I decided to collect some old time favorite Christmas pictures. As always, this isn't my property, I'm just collecting an archive of funny items, so I can look at them any time.
Anyways, enjoy!
These came from an awesome website called:
http://funny-pics-fun.com/funny-compilations/funny-christmas-cartoons
Anyways, enjoy!
These came from an awesome website called:
http://funny-pics-fun.com/funny-compilations/funny-christmas-cartoons
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Ironic Stories!
Ironic Stories!
Here are 4 classic ironic stories:
Italian man, who found a four-leaf clover from the cliff of Vido Marina, in Italy, slipped on the wet grass, fell down, and died.
In 1977, a man in New York was knocked down by a car, but was unhurt. A man passing by suggested that he should pretend to be hurt, to get insurance money. Immediately after the man had lain down, the car rolled forwards, and killed the man.
Armando Pinelli, a 70-year old man from Foggia, Italy, won the rights to sit on the shadow of the only tree in his yard, on the only lawn chair they had. After he sat down, the tree fell down on him, killing him.
After buying several losing tickets, Chris Calver from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, England, won a hair-curler. Chris was balding.
From:
http://www.oddee.com/contrib_8155.aspx
Here are 4 classic ironic stories:
Italian man, who found a four-leaf clover from the cliff of Vido Marina, in Italy, slipped on the wet grass, fell down, and died.
In 1977, a man in New York was knocked down by a car, but was unhurt. A man passing by suggested that he should pretend to be hurt, to get insurance money. Immediately after the man had lain down, the car rolled forwards, and killed the man.
Armando Pinelli, a 70-year old man from Foggia, Italy, won the rights to sit on the shadow of the only tree in his yard, on the only lawn chair they had. After he sat down, the tree fell down on him, killing him.
After buying several losing tickets, Chris Calver from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, England, won a hair-curler. Chris was balding.
From:
http://www.oddee.com/contrib_8155.aspx
More One Liner Jokes!
More One Liner Jokes!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
All from:
http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/2/
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
All from:
http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/2/
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
One Liner Jokes HILARIOUS! MUST SEE!
One Liner Jokes
HILARIOUS! MUST SEE!
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a (b****).
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Saw this at:
http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/
HILARIOUS! MUST SEE!
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a (b****).
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Saw this at:
http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/
Cute animal pictures.
Cute animal pictures.
Saw this at:
http://www.coolpicturegallery.us/2011/01/worlds-most-funniest-animals-photos.html
Funny Quotes
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.
Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
Yul Brynner
Yul Brynner
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
Jean Cocturan
Jean Cocturan
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.
Les Dawson
Les Dawson
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
Ogden Nash
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
Ogden Nash
I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Unknown
Unknown
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Ashleigh Brilliant
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
E. DeGeners
E. DeGeners
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle
Milton Berle
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis
Jim Davis
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle
Milton Berle
Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Steven Weinberg
Steven Weinberg
A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Anonymous
Anonymous
Some funny quotes.
I got it from
http://funnyquotes4u.net/
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