ONE LINER JOKES PT 3!

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
One liner Jokes! Must See!




The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.